For Dad.

You know those greeting cards they used to sell? They probably still sell them but I don't know for sure. Those "Everything I know about (fill in the subject)... I learned from my (fill in the teacher). Remember those cards? Well, everything I know about my dad... I learned from my husband. It's really true. Before I was married I was aware that people really loved my dad from his work on TV and films. The cult of celebrity being what it is, I was accustomed to strangers coming up to him and gushing about this, that, or the other. Dad was always gracious and kind. But you know, when you're growing up around it none of that really resonates with you because it's just your dad. It's kind of like... 'that's cool but can we just keep going on with our day now?'. And any story your dad tells you've heard a thousand times before so it feels like everyone else has as well, so you kind of roll your eyes at the things strangers find charming because well... it's just your dad. Then I met the love of my life and married him and slowly but surely something I never expected happened. Like a trip to the optometrist when you're asked "Better now? How about now? Clearer or worse?" Something was definitely clearer. I began to see my dad. Growing up, I majored in all things girly. Men were amusing, forgetful, silly, messy, and totally without the ability to reason. I wasn't jaded about the opposite gender. I actually thought of them as a really good idea. Like high heel shoes or the perfect pair of sunglasses. Billy changed that. In our years together I learned what a man has to endure in our society. I'm not talking about jerky abusive guys. I'm talking about real men. I saw the transition Billy made from being my best friend to being the one chosen to protect me. To make our lives secure. to provide for a "family". As we both struggled to make a life for ourselves I saw the weight of what was expected appear in his eyes and many times on his face. I saw courage in the wake of some scary stuff. I saw our private time together get slashed to bits as it became financially necessary to take on extra jobs. And because no one ever really knows what anyone else is going through, I watched people come up to my husband and gush about this, that, or the other in the same way they did with my dad. And Billy was gracious and kind. Hmmmm. During my early years with Billy, my dad would often do and or say things that I had seen or heard since I was little. Some of them made me smile or laugh and some of them irritated me because after all... didn't I know everything about him already? It's just dad. But Billy saw it differently. I should say Billy actually knows my dad. The bond that they have, the love they share for each other, comes from a certain understanding. My dad has been where my husband is going. My husband is pushing forward, avoiding many of the pitfalls my dad says he didn't avoid. Billy honors my dad's journey. His view was more sympathetic than mine. More insightful. He was like a daddy translator. I was daddy's little girl all grown up and assuming I knew everything. But you can't know what it's like to be the man if you are not. You can't. My dad had three  milestones in the past two weeks. He celebrated his Birthday, his 50th wedding anniversary with my mom, and now Father's Day. It is Father's Day for my husband as well. We are working out of town and away from our child while my parents babysit. I know Billy is not happy about being away. I know he is working hard to build a strong foundation so that he won't have to be away all the time. I know he wonders if he is doing enough or making the right choices. He wonders if he is a good enough husband and father... a strong enough man...a proficient provider. Earlier this week I caught my dad looking at nothing in particular but yet very deep in thought. Suddenly, without warning I didn't need the "daddy translator". My dad was thinking about if he was a good enough husband and father?... a strong enough man?... a proficient provider?... how his choices affected us?... had he been away too much?... could he be forgiven for any short comings?... did we love him? Now that I think of it, my dad has shown great courage in the wake of some scary stuff.  I've seen Billy in that same deep place. Two men contemplating the same issues. One looking forward, one looking back. I can also say that many times during my marriage my dad has been the "husband translator" for me. Ohhhh. Note to self: my mom doesn't see my dad as just her husband . So here's the deal... everything I love and admire the most about my dad I learned from the man I love and admire the most... my husband. My dad is soooo special and I thank God for him. He is a wonderful man. There is no one else like him and I love him so very much. I don't think he knows that. Hopefully he will now. Billy is soooo wonderful and he is everything a dad should be. He is a huge blessing to our son. He is a huge blessing to me and I love him so very much. I thank God for him. I think he knows, but men need to hear it as much as we do. I see that now. I learned that from my dad.

Hi Mom!!!

Dear Mommy,
I just wanted you to know how much I love you and how much I count on you for so many little things. You have given me respect for the job that is titled "Mother". Like all people who are brilliant at what they do, you make it look easy. It isn't. It truthfully is a FOUR person gig! When I think of how much love I have for my son, I could burst! Then I immediately realize that is the love you have for my brother and I and also our children. Wow. There is nothing like a Mother's love. But I also believe that everyone needs to have a "Mommy". The not- so- subtle difference between simply saying you're a mother and being a "Mommy" is one's ability to nurture. It's just the way some women go about it. You are that for me mom. You are the reason I strive to be the best mother I can be. Because one day I hope and pray that my sweet boy can look back and think that way about me. I want to be that for him. It would be my joy. You always say my brother and I are the best things you ever did. To be told you are your mother's best is one of the greatest things a person could ever hear. I think the best thing you do is listen to God and your heart, which is huge. I think women like you are the reason ginormous hulking athletes can't wait to look straight at the camera and hold up that one finger in victory and say hi to the one that always knew... maybe when no one else did. However, there is no one exactly like you mom. So here's the deal... I just wanted to say that when I'm looking in my son's eyes... when I'm picturing his future... his wife... his children... when I'm secretly wishing I could shield him from ANY kind of hurt or trouble forever... and when I win little battles with myself as I struggle against hovering or being over protective... when I'm tearfully imagining how even more wonderful he will be when he's a man... I get you. I get you mom. I thoroughly understand. Thank you for everything. I love you so much.

Growing Elijah...Part Two!

A couple of years ago I blogged about my son receiving a Valentine's gift from a classmate. It was a tiny potted strawberry plant. The cutest little thing. When you got it home you were supposed to water it, love it, and watch it grow over time. Well, being a little boy in pre- school and not having any concept about time and waiting, Elijah went over to the plant every two minutes claiming with great excitement that he could see the beginning of a leaf or the start of a strawberry! No matter what I said he could not be convinced that the plant wasn't already starting to peek through. Finally, when I was explaining ( for the fifth time) the growing process to him I realized what a metaphor it was for my feelings about him. There was all this miracle happening  under the soil. Just waiting to peek through. Our job as parents was to watch over, love, and care for this miracle that no one else could see yet. It had been my favorite blog post. Now fast forward and our son turns seven today! I wrote back then that the world had no idea what it was in for with Elijah. That it had better get ready to be shaken and not simply stirred! Our son is the greatest joy of our lives! I get a kick out of the physical change my body goes through when he calls me mommy or mama or most often... sweetie!!! I'm like a Super Hero whose main power is the ability to completely liquify! Ohhhh there she goes... it's Puddle Of Goo Girl! Speaking of Super Heroes, Elijah is ours. This child was placed in foster care at five weeks of age and bounced around for the first three years of his life from temporary home to temporary home. By the time we got to him he had already decided not to trust people, especially women since they were the main ones who rejected him. He would just stare at me as if to say "Why are you being so loving? You're not going to stay." My son would not run to me or hug and kiss me or say he loved me. I didn't need him to do that. I wanted to give him love. I wanted to do that for the rest of my life whether he loved me or not. He didn't owe anybody anything. He didn't ask to be here. People tend to treat children who need parents like they're rescue puppies. They expect all this gratitude for something that was the child's God given right to have before someone or some system messed things up.I prayed over my son every night. I asked God to tell Elijah's heart that mommy and daddy would NEVER leave him. That we were forever. That was important because how do you explain the concept of forever to a little soul whose "family" changed every few months? I always saw Elijah as the miracle about to be revealed. Always had the protective, mother tiger, say something negative about my son and I will slice you in one hundred different ways instinct that people assume you have to give birth in order to have. As I've said before, the miracle of Elijah's birth has nothing to do with whose womb he came from. Elijah is a miracle! I know every inch of my son. Every new scrape or cut or beauty mark(we call it a handsome mark!). I know the look that proceeds him running into my arms and squeezing me so tight! I love that look. I know (like every mom does) at breakfast whether it's going to be a great day at school, or if he's going to challenge every adult in his path. I know when he's thinking deep thoughts. I know when he's getting ready to break out and dance and it doesn't matter where we are when he gets that feeling! I know when he's planning an Incredible Hulk sneak attack on Billy in his sleep and it's so funny to see that. The constant joy and laughter that my son now has in his eyes. The understanding of forever.The fact that without my requiring it, my son now kisses me all over my face and says he loves me about a million times every day, is proof of his bravery. His leap of faith to trust Billy and I with his heart... forever. People are usually so shocked to find out that we adopted him. All they see is an extremely close family who love each other so very much! Billy and I have really been blessed with this tiny little gem who is now with love, time, and care, growing up to be all that we saw in our hearts  for him before we even met him. So here's the deal... the amazing thing about children is how they simplify all the things adults complicate.The word adoption didn't resonate with Elijah.When speaking of the day we became a legal family he, without missing a beat, will tell you "That's the day we all got married!" Puddle Of Goo Girl melting in five... four... three... two...